Coach Lauren shared these valuable tips with our Summit Health Tribe in her Live Sundays with Summit Health Tribe this last week.  If you would like to join our closed support group on Facebook let me know! I’ll add you to the group.  Requirements are: Be supportive! Share when possible and engage and encourage! 

May 1 – Every time you say yes you’re saying “no” to something else. What and how can we make this work for us?

• Why is it so hard to say no? It’s hard to feel like you’ve disappointed someone, no one likes being flaky, saying you’ll stay late might be the reason you are in the position you’re in at your job, and honestly, it’s just easier. Saying yes and avoiding an argument is just easier than taking on the task sometimes.
• However, every time you say “yes” to one thing, you’re saying “no” to something else. For example, when you say “yes” to watching the kids because you feel guilty asking your spouse to be home early, you’re saying “no” to that gym membership you pay for but rarely use
  • When you answer that phone call from your boss at 9pm, or answer a client email while on the couch with your spouse, you’re saying “no” to a full, restful night’s sleep
  • When you say “yes” to caring for aging parents or volunteering to chaperone the field trip, you’re saying “no” to your dentist appointment or that massage you have a gift card for
  • The result: you’re pulled in every direction meeting everyone’s needs but your own and you’re left feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed. And you might even start resenting people you love and care about, who don’t know they’re asking too much.
• I want you to imagine what it would be like to say “yes” to yourself a little more often, and tending to your own needs and goals? And what if you said “no” to the things that get in the way of that? It might sound selfish at first, but I want to make the argument that to some extent, it’s selfish not to. If you’re always running at 50%, the people you love and are working so hard to care for are only getting 50% of you, and I’m guessing you feel that they deserve more! They do and so do you. So, today we’re going to talk about some ways to say no, and how to differentiate where those no’s should go. You won’t need to do a full life makeover, we’re just looking for small changes that make the most difference. Inch along at your own pace, and the more you do, your health will improve, recovery will deepen, and energy will increase. You can’t control other people’s requests, but you can control saying “no” – which is one of the most effective things you can do to manage stress, which we all need.
• First, start by tracking your time. We talked about this last month with making time for nutrition and exercise. The reason this is helpful is because you may not actually know where your time, energy, and attention are going. Without having a clear idea, it’s easy to believe that you have time to train that new employee, or to believe that you don’t have five minutes to yourself most days. It’s very easy to over AND under-estimate how much time you have in a day. Once we lay it all out accurately, it’s pretty eye opening. You can use a time-tracking app, or create your own time-tracking system on a notebook or calendar. Once you’ve chosen a method, record your activities accurately (if you’re answering emails while you’re watching your kid’s hockey practice, be real about it), and then analyze your data. Did anything surprise you? Are your time, energy, and attention going where you’d assumed? Are you spending more or less time on certain tasks than you thought? Do you feel good about where your time, energy, and attention are going?
• Be honest, but also be kind to yourself. This exercise will probably reveal some uncomfortable truths. If you’re like most of the folks I work with, your day probably goes something like this:
  • 6:30-8:30 – jump out of bed after hitting snooze, wrangle the kids, make breakfast while checking work texts and emails on your phone, get kids off to school and daycare
  • 8:30-2:30 – meetings and calls, work through lunch that you may or not eat
  • 2:30 – on the phone with your insurance company while answering work emails
  • 3:30 – pick up the kids, snack on their lunch leftovers while you speed home to hop on your work call at 4
  • 4 – sit it on your meeting while making a snack for the kids and starting a load of laundry so your kid’s soccer jersey is clean for practice tonight
  • 5:30 – bring all three kids to different practices and lessons and answer work emails and texts while you watch practice
  • 8:15 – get home, remember that you need to bake cupcakes for your kid to bring to school for his birthday tomorrow, try and bathe the kids, review homework and get the kids to bed, prepare everyone’s lunches for tomorrow
  • 10:30 – sit in bed exhausted, half-watching Survivor with your spouse, still answering a few more emails
  • 12:30 – lie awake worrying about tomorrow
• And thus, NO time for herself. Of course this person feels exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious. This exercise can provide painful clarity. They don’t think of themselves as “slave to work”, but the time diary revealed differently.
• So, what do we do with that? Another reason we often say “yes” too often is not understanding the tradeoffs. When we say “yes” – what are we saying “no” to? Go through your time diary you made, and ask yourself what you were saying “no” to when you said “yes” to _____. The next step toward saying “yes” and “no” to the right things is to make a chart of how your time is spent. Use that diary and make a pie chart. Divide it up with percentages or time. Next, create another pie chart with your ideal day and time allocations. What would you give less time to or remove altogether? What would you give more time to? When you look at that one, you should feel a sense of relief. Of course, include the things that still need to be done. You still need to drive kids to practice, but could you arrange a carpool so you have time for the gym a couple times a week? You still need to answer emails, but could you answer one less and make time for a gratitude practice? It’s okay to still have responsibilities, and the goal is to balance output (caring for others) and input (caring for you and recovering). However, you balance it, your time is finite.
• The final step is making small changes to start making that “dream pie” a reality! Where can you take 10 minutes away from work to have a meaningful moment with your spouse? Where can you take a moment away from the TV and go get some fresh air?
• Once you see the tradeoff, then comes the tough part. Actually using the word “no” in real life, to an actual person. This might sound silly, but start with practice. Think through a scenario that you would’ve like to say no to. Think about how you responded and how you wish you responded. There are three ways to go about this.
  • First, a short answer – “No, I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.”
  • Second, a simple “no”
  • Or a third alternative, which is really helpful with easing you in, is offering a compromise of some sort. A “no” with a “yes” – as long as that “yes” fits within your boundaries. It might sound like this:
    • At 9am, your boss puts a meeting over your lunch on your schedule when you’re supposed to have a call with your nutrition coach. “I can’t make that meeting. Can we do it at 2pm instead?” No to the request – the meeting. But a yes to a different time.
    • You’re asked to fly out to Boston to speak at a conference, but it’s your daughter’s dance recital. “I can’t speak at that event if I have to travel [no to request], but if I can be a virtual speaker, I’d be happy to participate [yes, but with conditions].”
  • This is my personal favorite, especially when I want to say yes but I truly don’t have the bandwidth, or it will come at the expense of my own well-being.
• Consider practicing in the mirror, even if it feels weird. Practice saying no firmly.
  • “It’s really thoughtful of you to ask, but I can’t do it.”
  • “Oh wow, that does look delicious. I’m full though.”
  • “Like I said, I’m not available after 6pm.”
• Even though practice can get awkward it’s important and here’s why. As you practice, you might feel guilty, self-indulgent, or hear echoes of a parent who used to tell you it was impolite to turn down dessert, or lazy to turn down work. Keep practicing until that feeling eases, even if it never goes away. Acknowledge that it’s difficult to state your boundaries, and commend yourself for that. Then get out there and start saying YES to you, and you might be surprised how much better you’re able to show up for the thing and people you care about. And honestly whatever you say “no” to, make sure you say YES to cheering for your Minnesota Wild tomorrow night as they start playoffs!